So, here we go again……

Have you ever actually looked at a map of the United Kingdom and seen just how bloody far away Elgin is?

Clue – Ma Kelly’s in Holland is 451 miles from my house and is nearer than Elgin…

On the satnav, just after Fochabers (for that was actually the place we were headed) there is just an icon of a dragon (and sod all between you and the North Pole).

Nobody appreciated my brilliant compilation CD so we listened to Dave’s.

Jim talked cack all the the way; we’ve yet to find the off switch.

Arrived at Kirkcaldy. Playing at a night club (which don’t often have live bands) in a town you’ve never been to is always a bit of a leap into the unknown but when we arrived there was a warm welcome and the place looked ok. Unfortunately the stage was more of a DJ’s raised platform, complete with railings and glass panels. Never mind, we set up our stuff, repaired Jims amp and did a sound check. Now, because of the strange shape of the raised dais Terry and Jim’s speakers are facing directly at me which means I can hear nothing else – even the drums which are next to me are drowned out, on top of this, the glass panels mean that anything played bounces round and round – which gets bizarre at times (apparently because bits of the sound get cancelled out due to the waves being in phase with each other) all I know is it makes for a strange playing experience. 

We decamp to the hotel to find there’s a bit of a mix up with the rooms which ends up with me getting a room to myself – result – but Terry & Mel also end up in single beds – non result. Not, I should point out, in some strange Scots Youth Hostel style dormitory but in 2 single rooms. No matter, we change and meet up in the bar. Because the gig’s in a night club we’re not due on until 11pm so we decide to have a wander round town. It very, very quiet - like the scene in Chitty Chitty Bang Bang when the child catcher arrives in town -  there’s absolutely no-one around. We happened upon a lone wandering bloke and inquired as to the whereabouts of an Indian restaurant and he says.

“Down there and turn right” (whilst pointing). Well I’ve got news for you mate, it’s “Down there and LEFT”. We’d gone about half a mile before we realised and doubled back. By this time we only had time for a buffet style meal, shoving it down as fast as possible and offski (nice food though).

By the way – did you know Lemmy is only 4’10” tall?

We arrive at the venue to find it’s still closed, doors open at 10.30, and I quote, “There’ll be nobody in ‘til 11.30 when the pubs start closing”. So the start time gets put back and we mooch around. As a foursome we could easily mooch for the British Olympic Mooching Team – so much time is spent waiting. If all the time spent hanging around by bands was put to some use Britain could have cured cancer and populated Mars by now……. It gets a bit concerning when by 11pm there’s still hardly anyone in the place – then all of a sudden, I step outside for a fag and when I come back in the place is half full.

We launch into Caroline and we’re away. There’s a good crowd come over from Glasgow (well, as I established later, not necessarily from Glasgow but the only context we’d ever seen these people in was Rockers, so we assumed they all live together in a communal flat behind the stage in Rockers?) – great to see them here, and they show the locals how to go on. This was fun, the locals who were more a nightclub crowd than a Status Quo gig crowd were watching the front row headbanging and air guitaring as if they were David Attenborough having discovered a strange tribe in deepest Borneo and figuring out what the ritual movements meant. Soon though, some of them joined in, some mocked and received Paddington hard stares in return, while others just carried on looking and almost daring each other to have a go at it. If truth be known, I think more of them enjoyed it than would probably let on.

Good gig, good supportive crowd – very late finish about 2am I think – and so to bed (apart from Jim who stayed, drank more and wandered around the town a bit).

Big thank you to Tracey who took a bit of a punt on arranging all of this – it was definitely worth it.

Day 2 – up, fed and off to even more northern climes. One way or another we ended up on the “scenic” route to Fochabers. Very picturesque, but very windy and narrow and hilly. And far. And long. Along the way, we passed a wide coach on a particularly narrow bend then stopped briefly for Davy (who was driving) to change his underwear. We stopped for a meal at somewhere called “The Spittle of Glenshee”, which sounds more like a highly virulous plague, “Och Donald, oor Morag’s come doon wi a nasty dose o the spittle”. Nice food though. And luckily, Melissa managed to get more photographs of distant hills.

We arrive (eventually) at the gig to a very warm welcome. PA and lighting all sorted and ready and very helpful friendly people. It’s a funny thing but this place, both in size and feel, is very similar to Aduard in Holland – maybe it’s the rural community vibe but both seemed genuinely pleased to see us and couldn’t do enough to help. The venue is a brilliant old community hall sort of place and our gig was helping raise funds to keep it running – it seems the central heating needs mending sharpish- anyway, just the sort of place that is ripe for knocking down and sticking a Tesco on top – DON’T LET THEM DO IT – you’ll never replace somewhere like this…….. soapbox over.

Did I mention that apparently Lemmy is only 4’10” tall?

We get set up, mend Jims amp again, soundcheck and adjourn to the hotel.

Actually this time it’s more like chalets but up a flight of stairs at the back of a pub. Meet more nice people. It’s one of those places where everyone knows everyone else – the man at the pub came out to meet us and pointed to the house across the road – “They’re away on holiday, you can park in their driveway”. If it had been common knowledge that “they” were on holiday in some places we’ve played, “their” house would have been stripped bare faster than biblical locusts on speed. Not by us, you understand, even with the amount of mooching we’re forced to do, we haven’t turned our hand to a bit of local time killing burglary yet.

Earlier start tonight, should be on about 8.30 so Dave and I walk up the street for something to eat. We find a fish and chip shop but, in one of those quirks of life Dave chooses kebab. Now, I don’t know how well any of you know Dave but he is one of the clumsiest and most impatient people I have ever known. So, impatience takes over so he can’t wait to get back to the room to eat and the clumsiness means the kebab, the chilli sauce and whatever other juices instantly fall from the wrapper down his shirt, jacket and jeans. Because his impatience manifests itself as impatience with himself, he’s trying to wipe chilli sauce from his jacket with a kebab box (which, let’s be honest, was never going to work) and standing in Fochabers high street berating himself – I was sure at some point he would smack himself on the arse Basil Fawtly style. Twenty minutes later back in the chalet, he’s still chuntering away about how much of a useless tosser he is, possibly not helped by me laughing – we take the mickey out of him a lot but nobody is as hard on Dave as Dave. Top man.

On to the gig. We didn’t actually start until nearer 9pm, and I think there were about 120 people in the place, which, which when you consider there are only about 5000 in the town is a pretty good turn out – imagine 2.5% of Glasgow crowded into Rockers! Thanks to the man in the white top and the woman in the blue smocky thing who played the entire gig along with us – they never stopped once.

Once again, a great gig, great crowd, thanks Fochabers and all those who put in the work to make it happen – paticularly the couple who run the place who’s names escape me I’m afraid - should you ever get to read this, thanks for the drinks and food!

Sunday - wake up to a glorious sunny morning with Dave still viciously rubbing at his clothes and sniffing them…….and just a quick 460 mile drive home. Oh, and then another 75 miles for Dave, 20 miles for Terry and Mel and for Jim and Marianne a mere 150 miles…..…….…me? I’ve got my feet up, my wife at my side, a beer in my hand and a Star Wars DVD on the telly.

Vive le roque et roll.

Staid As Quo are back in Scotland at Rockers, Glasgow on October 10.

 *name changed to protect the pessimistic

More tourlog here.